By Jonathan H. Westover, PhD
Abstract: This article discusses overcoming reluctance to seek help and advice. It argues help-seeking should be viewed as a strength rather than weakness. It explores why people hesitate to admit needing assistance due to ego and competence perceptions. It suggests reframing requests as strategic choices that boost collective knowledge rather than solitary efforts. The author provides tips for when, where and how to appropriately ask for help, including being prepared with clear questions, expressing appreciation, and maintaining openness. It draws on three case studies where leaders' proactive help-seeking improved operations, services and productivity. It concludes that acknowledging gaps allows for authentic, humble leadership and collaborative problem-solving.
As experienced consultants and lifelong learners, we understand all too well the paradox of knowing that growth depends on guidance, yet fearing how assistance might be perceived. While our clients wish to solve problems independently, complexity demands cooperation.
Today I share lessons learned through countless conversations with leaders navigating this tension. By examining why help-seeking intimidates, and reframing it as a strength, we can empower others - and ourselves - to ask for what they need to succeed.
Why Is It So Hard to Admit We Need Help?
Scholars point to ego and perceptions of competence as primary barriers to soliciting support (Miller & Mangelsdorf, 2019; Deelstra et al., 2003). We dread appearing incapable or dependent, even though recognizing limitations progresses both work and well-being (Kahneman, 2011). But others may judge us more favorable acknowledging missteps - research associates transparency with likeability (Cable et al., 2013).
The challenge lies in how we internalize and portray requests. Rather than weakness, frame them as strategic choice maximizing collective intellect. Remark how collaboration enriches outcomes beyond solitary effort. Highlight mutual benefit of partnership over solitary struggle.
Moving from "I Can't" to "We Can"
To overcome reluctance rooted in false pride, reflect on help-seeking as:
Wisdom, not deficiency. Wise leaders know no person has all answers.
Strategy, not last resort. Actively source expertise as proactive step, not reaction to failure.
Efficiency, not inefficiency. Leverage others' knowledge to solve quicker, learn deeper lessons.
Collaboration, not competition. Partnerships strengthen results and relationships over going it alone.
Focus inward to outwardly project confidence requesting assistance elevates work, not diminishes reputation (Kern et al., 2014). Leading with such attitude cultivates culture where people freely share and develop together.
Knowing When, Where and How to Ask
Once resolved to solicit support appropriately, consider optimal timing, targets and techniques:
Timing: Ask earlier than later to maximize input incorporation. Delay risks missing input or needing rushed guidance.
Targets: Identify relevant experts - within or outside organization. Consider formal/informal roles and relationships (McAllister, 1995).
Techniques:
Be prepared. Explain issue clearly with specific questions to elicit focused help.
Express appreciation. Thank experts for consideration upfront to encourage receptiveness.
Frame as partnership. Invite collaboration versus sense of imposing obligation.
Discuss value-add openly. Highlight potential expertise contributes and lessons to be gained.
Compromise willingly. Negotiate recommendations open to modification through exchange.
Practicing in the Private Sector: Three Case Examples
Having advised leaders across industries, three professional situations stand out where well-executed requests for assistance advanced objectives:
Case 1: Manufacturing Operations: A new plant manager privately confessed production snags to me. Within, staff complained about frequent breakdowns but no solutions. I recommended the manager solicit frontline expertise. He met separately with each shift, sincerely asking what factors caused outages and how teamwork could solve them. Workers provided cost-saving insights, feeling heard rather than alienated. Output stabilized as employees engaged in collaborative problem-solving.
Case 2: Financial Services: A wealth advisor struggled adapting services for changing demographics. Explaining specific client concerns, she requested my market research insights. Our brainstorm uncovered underserved niches the competition missed. Together we drafted new offerings harnessing our combined perspectives. Client retention surpassed goals as a result of her proactive help-seeking expanding her perspective.
Case 3: Technology: An engineering team struggled integrating new hardware. The VP frankly admitted roadblocks in a one-on-one, wanting my perspective but dreading appearing incapable. I reassured her courage resides in asking, not hiding problems. We mapped workflows together pinpointing incompatibilities. With my input and her vision, developers streamlined processes increasing productivity 30%.
In each case, leaders overcame reservations by appropriately framing needs, finding complementary skills, and maintaining openness - achieving outperformance through cooperative problem-solving using expanded knowledge.
Final Thoughts: Internalizing the Lesson
To grow as leaders and serve others capably requires ongoing examination of assumptions holding us back from our full potential. When we can reframe asking for assistance as asset rather than deficiency, it liberates us to lead with authenticity and humility (George & Sims, 2007). The true benchmark of wisdom lies not in always having answers, but rightly understanding when collaboration strengthens outcomes. May we foster in ourselves, and cultivate among those we support, an environment where people can acknowledge gaps freely to solve challenges together. Only then does teamwork truly fulfill its purpose.
References
Cable, D. M., Gino, F., & Staats, B. R. (2013). Breaking them in or eliciting their best? Reframing socialization around newcomers’ authentic self-expression. Administrative Science Quarterly, 58(1), 1–36. https://doi.org/10.1177/0001839213498337
Deelstra, J. T., Peeters, M. C., Schaufeli, W. B., Stroebe, W., Zijlstra, F. R., & van Doornen, L. P. (2003). Receiving instrumental support at work: When help is not welcome. Journal of Applied Psychology, 88(2), 324–331. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.88.2.324
George, B., & Sims, P. (2007). True north: Discover your authentic leadership. John Wiley & Sons.
Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Kern, M. L., Della Porta, S. S., & Friedman, H. S. (2014). Lifecourse impacts of adolescent social networks on adult health: A dynamic socialsystems model of health development. In K. Lippard & C. F. M. de Lima (Eds.), Brazilian studies in human development: Social networks and health (pp. 17-37). London: University of Westminster Press. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263896306_Lifecourse_Impacts_of_Adolescent_Social_Networks_on_Adult_Health_A_Dynamic_Social_Systems_Model_of_Health_Development
McAllister, D. J. (1995). Affect- and cognition-based trust as foundations for interpersonal cooperation in organizations. Academy of management journal, 38(1), 24-59. https:// doi.org/10.2307/256727
Miller, L. C., & Mangelsdorf, S. C. (2019). Developing closeness and competence through expressing needs and asking for help from attachment figures. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed., pp. 463–480). The Guilford Press.
Jonathan H. Westover, PhD is Chief Academic & Learning Officer (HCI Academy); Chair/Professor, Organizational Leadership (UVU); OD Consultant (Human Capital Innovations). Read Jonathan Westover's executive profile here.
Suggested Citation: Westover, J. H. (2024). When Pride Collides with Progress: Overcoming Ego to Solicit Support. Human Capital Leadership Review, 11(2). doi.org/10.70175/hclreview.2020.11.2.7
