By Jonathan H. Westover, PhD
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Abstract: This article discusses the negative impacts of worrying excessively about others' perceptions at work and provides strategies for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies through cultivating self-awareness, acceptance, and focusing on valuable outputs rather than impressions management or competitive comparisons. Constantly seeking approval and validation can be mentally and emotionally draining as well as hinder productivity and creativity, as research shows this stems from a lack of self-worth conditioned from childhood, particularly for women socialized to prioritize others. The article recommends developing self-awareness of intrinsic values and communication techniques like learning to say no comfortably, speaking concisely with purpose, and welcoming feedback graciously. Real-world case studies across industries illustrate applying these, such as a nonprofit director focusing meetings on solutions rather than disclaimers, a healthcare account manager prioritizing metrics over expectations, and an engineering lead openly discussing decisions while welcoming different perspectives. Overcoming ingrained people-pleasing allows professionals to feel empowered contributing their best work through self-development and outcome-driven mindsets.
Constantly worrying about what other people think can be mentally and emotionally draining. At work especially, the pressure to get approval, gain acceptance, and avoid criticism can severely impact your ability to be productive, creative, and feel confident in your contributions. However, navigating office politics and relationships is an inevitable part of any professional environment.
Today we will explore research-backed strategies for overcoming the concerns of others' perceptions at work through cultivating self-awareness, self-acceptance, and focusing outward on meeting organizational objectives rather than inward on pleasing everyone.
Understanding the Roots of People-Pleasing Tendencies
Research shows that worrying excessively about how others view you is often rooted in a lack of self-worth that is conditioned from a young age (Prager, 1995; Thompson et al., 2020). Children who do not receive unconditional love and acceptance from their caregivers may internalize beliefs that their value depends on gaining approval from others. This psychological tendency persists into adulthood if left unexamined. Additionally, women especially are socialized from childhood to seek harmony and tend to others' emotions, making them more prone to people-pleasing patterns (Jack & Ali, 2019). In competitive work environments, comparing oneself to coworkers can exacerbate fears of not meeting perceived standards of competence or likeability.
Developing Self-Awareness and Self-Acceptance
To overcome engrained people-pleasing habits, the first step is developing self-awareness. Take time for introspection to understand your inherent strengths, values, priorities, and which of your behaviors are driven by a genuine sense of purpose versus a need for validation. Journaling, meditation, and candid conversations with trusted mentors can provide insight. Once aware of inner motivations, work on self-acceptance through daily affirmations and recognizing your inherent worth has nothing to do with others' subjective views. Make a conscious effort to replace negative self-talk with compassionate self-talk, acknowledging both successes and imperfections with grace (Neff, 2011). This reframing of self-perception removes the need to seek worth through external approval.
Sharpening Communication Strategies
With a solid foundation of self-awareness and self-acceptance, the next step is adjusting communication approaches at work that may unintentionally encourage dependence on others' opinions. Some ways people-pleasers communicate include hesitating to voice true opinions, over-explaining decisions to avoid criticism, and altering behaviors based on colleagues' preferences rather than one's own judgment or company objectives. Adopting the following strategies can help shift the focus outward to shared goals rather than inward to personal anxieties.
Learn to Say No Comfortably: Being overly agreeable to take on tasks or commitments rarely strengthens one's reputation for competence or credibility. Practice politely yet firmly declining low-priority requests without needless justification to set appropriate boundaries on time and bandwidth. This communicates self-confidence and prioritization of key responsibilities (Sibbald, 2022).
Speak Concisely with Clarity of Purpose: When explaining ideas, decisions, or work progress, avoid rambling to preemptively appease potential critics and instead convey information succinctly. Frame discussions purposefully around strategic goals and intended outcomes rather than uncertainty over others' reactions (Heath & Heath, 2017).
Welcome Constructive Feedback Gracefully: View inputs from colleagues not as personal judgment but as opportunities to improve professionally through an outside perspective. Listen actively without defensiveness and respond by thanking the other party for their insights while maintaining ownership over next steps (Stone & Heen, 2014). This shows confidence in one’s abilities to learn and grow.
Build Rapport through Empathy, Not Obligation: Relate to others from a place of genuine care and understanding rather than a need for acceptance. Ask questions to get to know colleagues beyond superficial work topics and offer aid freely when able rather than out of anxious people-pleasing. Authentic rapport strengthens connections (Goleman, 2006).
Focusing on Value Delivery Over Impressions Management
Constantly monitoring how one is perceived by coworkers can distract from meaningfully contributing value. Shifting mental energy to delivering results effectively for the organization’s well-being is key. Some strategies include:
Focus dialogue on problem-solving rather than opinion-seeking. Discuss work issues purposefully by offering pragmatic solutions and compromise rather than reassuring colleagues' feelings.
Judging work quality objectively rather than comparatively. Evaluate performance based on standards of excellence rather than to prove being "as good as" peers.
Measuring success via outcomes not praise. Track accomplishments quantitatively such as completing initiatives under budget/timeline rather than how many compliments were earned.
Celebrating progress openly rather than appearances. Share wins publicly to motivate the team spirit over concerns about appearing too confident.
By prioritizing outputs over outcomes and steering clear of competitive tactics, self-worth stems from fulfilling one's potential rather than seeking validation. Confidence builds intrinsically through meaningful contributions.
Putting it into Practice: Industry Examples
The following real-world scenarios across different industries illustrate how the above strategies can be applied to stop worrying excessively about colleagues' opinions.
Non-profit Organization
Jenny is the new director of a charity focused on literacy programs. Coming from a smaller non-profit, she feels insecure about leading a larger team. During staff meetings, Jenny tends to hedge ideas with disclaimers like "let me know if this is naive." Using the self-awareness approach, Jenny recognizes pleasing others stems from lack of experience in her new role, not lack of competence. She boosts confidence privately through affirmations of her credentials and passion for the cause. In meetings, Jenny now presents initiatives directly with a "what do you think about testing this approach?" dialogic style. Staff response has been more collaborative problem-solving rather than critiques of Jenny personally.
Healthcare Company
Mark is an account manager at a medical device supplier. Around colleagues, he often doubts sales strategies rather than stating them authoritatively. During a quarterly review with his director, Mark admits people-pleasing puts pressure on himself to exceed everyone's different expectations of him. The director suggests focusing inward to clarify his own definition of success in metrics like contribution margin. Empowered, Mark now discusses client needs decisively in meetings using data to shape dialogues productively toward shared goals. His reassured communication style is strengthening partnerships internally and externally.
Technology Startup
As an engineering lead, Rachael second-guesses design decisions worrying teammates may privately disapprove and her manager ultimately judge her capabilities. A trusted peer points out self-doubts do not align with Rachael's proven problem-solving record. Taking the peer's advice, Rachael commits to openly yet graciously hearing alternative views for the benefit of collaborative progress over personal insecurities. Her confident project updates supported by prototypes attract respect from colleagues and managers alike who feel heard and value her contributions highly to the company's innovative vision.
Conclusion
Worrying excessively about others' opinions, especially at work, can undermine self-confidence and detract from peak performance. However, with intentional efforts to develop self-awareness, self-acceptance, sharper communication techniques, and value-driven mindsets, individuals can overcome ingrained tendencies to people-please at the expense of their well-being and ambitions. Numerous research-backed strategies were presented targeting the root psychological causes as well as practical applications illustrated through organizational scenarios. While changing conditioned behaviors takes practice over time, leaders empower themselves by focusing outward on meaningful results rather than inward on uncertainties over subjective impressions from colleagues. With commitment to continual learning and growth, professionals can build resilience against unhealthy people-pleasing habits and feel empowered to confidently contribute their best work.
References
Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional intelligence. Bantam Dell.
Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2017). The power of moments: Why certain experiences have extraordinary impact. Simon and Schuster.
Jack, D. C., & Ali, A. (Eds.). (2019). Silencing the self across cultures: Depression and gender in the social world. Oxford University Press.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self‐compassion, self‐esteem, and well‐being. Social and personality psychology compass, 5(1), 1-12.
Prager, K. J. (1995). The psychology of intimacy. Guilford Press.
Sibbald, B. (2022). Learning to say no can boost your self-confidence and work-life balance. CMAJ, 194(1), E1-E2. https://doi.org/10.1503/cmaj.1095751
Stone, D., & Heen, S. (2014). Thanks for the feedback: The science and art of receiving feedback well. Penguin.
Thompson, R. J., Mata, J., Jaeggi, S. M., Buschkuehl, M., Jonides, J., & Gotlib, I. H. (2010). Maladaptive coping, adaptive coping, and depressive symptoms: Variations across age and depressive state. Behaviour research and therapy, 48(6), 459–466. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2010.01.007
Jonathan H. Westover, PhD is Chief Academic & Learning Officer (HCI Academy); Chair/Professor, Organizational Leadership (UVU); OD Consultant (Human Capital Innovations). Read Jonathan Westover's executive profile here.
Suggested Citation: Westover, J. H. (2024). How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You at Work. Human Capital Leadership Review, 12(3). doi.org/10.70175/hclreview.2020.12.3.3
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