By Jonathan H. Westover, PhD
Abstract: This article discusses strategies for maintaining emotional control during difficult conversations in the workplace. It begins by exploring the neurological factors that contribute to emotional hijacking, such as the amygdala's automatic threat response that can override rational thinking. It then presents a case example of how to regulate emotions as an HR director implementing staffing reductions at a hospital. Three evidence-based techniques are outlined for managing emotions: deep breathing to reduce stress responses, mindful awareness to create distance from strong reactions, and compassionate responding through empathy and validation. The article also shares experiences applying these techniques in the financial services industry during the 2008 recession and subsequent restructuring. It concludes by offering recommendations for practicing emotional mastery, such as pausing to reset before responding and cultivating understanding over posturing. The overall aim is to transform challenging interactions into opportunities through composed leadership.
Difficult conversations are an unfortunate yet unavoidable aspect of the job. Whether discussing performance issues, delivering poor feedback, or navigating organizational change, managing emotions - both your own and others' - is crucial for reaching resolution. Based on over a decade navigating such exchanges both in my consulting work and academic research, I've gleaned some evidence-based strategies for retaining composure during testing times. I
Today we will explore a framework for emotional control grounded in psychology and mindfulness and offer actionable tips you can apply immediately. By understanding our emotional hardwiring and employing specific techniques, we can transform emotionally-charged interactions into opportunities for growth.
The Science Behind Emotional Hijacking
Before delving into practical application, it's worth exploring the neurological underpinnings of emotional arousal. Pioneering research by Joseph LeDoux (1998) first elucidated the low road/high road model of emotional processing ingrained in our limbic system. According to this view, whenever we perceive a threat - be it physical danger or psychological unease - our amygdala sends an alarm signal through the low road before our prefrontal cortex can engage rational thinking via the high road (Arnsten, 2009). This helps explain why strong emotions can hijack our thinking in stressful situations, overriding logic and self-control. Our primitive fight or flight response kicks in first before reasoned reflection.
Studies also show stressful interactions stimulate the body's sympathetic nervous system, flooding our bloodstream with cortisol and adrenaline (Sapolsky, 2004). On the upside, this surge energizes us for confrontation. However, prolonged elevation impairs factors like working memory, empathy and decision-making crucial for productive dialogue (Arnsten, 2009; Denson, 2013). With this biological backdrop in mind, consciously activating our prefrontal cortex through techniques like deep breathing can help us stay composed (Williams, 2006). By short-circuiting our amygdala's alarm bells, we gain capacity for emotional regulation.
Managing Emotions in Healthcare: A Case Example
As an HR director for a large hospital system, one of my most daunting tasks involved rationalizing staffing levels across several units to rein in ballooning labor costs. Naturally, proposed reductions sparked intense dismay among the nursing teams affected. In one tense meeting, emotions were running high as a seasoned oncology nurse fiercely defended her department's needs. Catching myself getting riled up, I consciously shifted gears: taking a few deep breaths, I acknowledged her passion for patient care before calmly explaining the fiscal realities with data-driven rationale. Over time, utilizing empathy, reason and compromise, we forged an amenable solution - but it required maintaining emotional control throughout testing discussions.
Drawing from my mindfulness-based stress reduction training, paying attention to physiological cues like tension in my shoulders or rapid breathing helped catch dysregulated feelings early (Kabat-Zinn, 2005). Sidestepping the temptation for heated rebuttals, I focused on active listening, reflecting back key points to show understanding before responding constructively. Ultimately, retaining composure permitted problem-solving over posturing - critical in healthcare, where strained labor relations undermine the mission of patient care. Had either of us exploded in anger or defensiveness, compromise would have proved impossible.
Three Techniques for Emotional Regulation
Based on research and real-world application, here are three evidence-backed techniques for managing emotions during difficult dialogues:
Deep breathing: Consciously slowing exhalations relative to inhalations through the nose initiates our parasympathetic "rest and digest" response, counteracting fight or flight (Jerath et al., 2006). Even brief breathing exercises can rapidly lower heart rate, blood pressure and feelings of distress (Brown and Gerbarg, 2005).
Mindful awareness: Noticing thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations without judgement allows space between stimuli and reactions (Kabat-Zinn, 2005). Simply labeling emotions as they arise - "I'm feeling frustrated right now" - reduces amygdala reactivity versus ruminating unconsciously (Lieberman et al., 2007).
Compassionate responding: Rather than reacting defensively, approach others with empathy, validate their perspective, and acknowledge feelings without necessarily agreeing (Gilbert, 2009). "I can see why you feel strongly about this issue. Let me share my view while also listening to understand your concerns." Cultivating care, wisdom and non-judgement builds rapport essential for cooperation.
Mastering These Techniques in Financial Services
Early in my career I worked for an investment bank, overseeing client accounts through booms and busts. Needless to say, plummeting portfolio values during the 2008 recession generated no shortage of testy townhalls. Drawing from my mindfulness practice, I channeled upset into solutions - first validating anxieties, then calming fears with frank yet hopeful analyses. With clients regaining confidence in my composure, trust replaced tension as we problem-solved collectively.
This emotional mastery proved invaluable when later addressing redundancies following post-crisis restructuring. By thoughtfully acknowledging career disruptions while reaffirming financial well-being, volatile goodbyes transformed into well-wishes instead of warfare. Had I matched anxieties with aggression or denied uncertainties, cooperation would have crumbled into chaos - hindering both individual outcomes and institutional recovery. Learning to lead with steadiness, empathy and care sustains relationships vital for navigating challenges together.
Conclusion: Putting It All Into Practice
To apply these strategies amid your own difficult discussions:
Before engaging, take 2-3 minutes of focused breathing to reset your nervous system. Consider visualization of releasing tension too.
Frame exchanges proactively by acknowledging discomfort and commitment to understanding different views. "I know change is unsettling but want to work through this together respectfully."
Notice emotional and physical cues as you actively listen without judgment. Pause if needed to re-center before responding thoughtfully.
Validate others' experiences and feelings while separating facts from fixations. "I understand why you'd feel worried given your history, but the data shows..."
Offer a calm, inclusive path forward through problem-solving not posturing. Compromise wherever possible to establish buy-in for tougher aspects.
Follow up by reflecting on what worked, what you'd improve, and how shared understanding grew through controlled emotions and care for all involved.
As leaders weathering difficult discussions is unavoidable, yet maintaining equanimity remains a learned skill. Drawing from science, mindfulness practices, and years refining emotional mastery in diverse industries, with patience and regular reflection we can develop greater capacity for composure amid testing times. By acknowledging fears yet anchoring in facts, showing care yet driving solutions, compassionately engaging dissent while reinforcing shared goals, we transform adversity into opportunity. With emotional hijacking defused through presence of mind, the prefrontal cortex prevails - creating space for cooperation over conflict in navigating life's inevitable difficulties together.
References
Arnsten, A. F. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648
Brown, R. P., & Gerbarg, P. L. (2005). Sudarshan Kriya Yogic breathing in the treatment of stress, anxiety, and depression: Part I-Neurophysiologic model. The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 11(1), 189–201. https://doi.org/10.1089/acm.2005.11.189
Denson, T. F. (2013). The multiple systems model of angry rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(1), 103–115. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691612461209
Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind. London: Constable.
Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. (2006). Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: Neural respiratory elements may provide a mechanism that explains how slow deep breathing shifts the autonomic nervous system. Medical Hypotheses, 67(3), 566–571. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mehy.2006.02.042
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2005). Coming to our senses: Healing ourselves and the world through mindfulness. Hachette Books.
LeDoux, J. E. (1998). The emotional brain: The mysterious underpinnings of emotional life. Simon and Schuster.
Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x
Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why zebras don't get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping. Macmillan.
Williams, M., Teasdale, J., Segal, Z., & Kabat-Zinn, J. (2006). The mindful way through depression: Freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. Guilford Press.
Jonathan H. Westover, PhD is Chief Academic & Learning Officer (HCI Academy); Chair/Professor, Organizational Leadership (UVU); OD Consultant (Human Capital Innovations). Read Jonathan Westover's executive profile here.
Suggested Citation: Westover, J. H. (2024). Controlling Your Emotions in Times of Discord. Human Capital Leadership Review, 11(1). doi.org/10.70175/hclreview.2020.11.1.1
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